Help! My son is gay

13.03.2012 | By: Jure Pestar

What to do if you find out your child is homosexually oriented?

Many homosexual people have a hard time one way or the other. Don’t make your child’s life more difficult than it already is! (PhotoXpress)

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The first feelings are the most difficult ones

The discovery that your son is gay can be a shock for many parents. Usually, they have the feelings of dismay, anger, despair and mistrust. Some parents also feel deprived, as if losing their child, because they simply can’t deal with their child’s sexual orientation. Suddenly, the child they’ve loved and raised all these years becomes a stranger. Their desires and hopes are crushed and the child seem abnormal to them. They bubble over with the feelings of isolation, resentment and powerlessness. The thought that their child is gay is so foreign to them that they feel confused, angry and embarrassed. They’re simply unable to accept it and homosexuality is such an unfamiliar topic for them that they have no idea how to deal with it. Most parents are concerned about the reactions of neighbours, relatives and friends, so they can’t turn to them for help or confide in them and are faced with their sadness by themselves. When parents recover from the initial shock after their discovery, many of them start worrying about their child’s health. They first think of AIDS. This fear is completely unnecessary if the child has a responsible attitude to sex and life in general. It also worries most parents that their child will be faced with prejudices and problems because of his of her sexual orientation. Luckily, circumstances are improving. Understanding and acceptance of homosexuals are much better. In the previous century, for example, leftists were also faced with social prejudices.

The most common false beliefs by parents

The first thought that crosses the parents’ mind is that it’s only a phase of the growing-up process through which they have to go and that their child is just confused. However, it’s very unlikely that the child would confess to his or her sexual orientation, which is a huge and important thing, if he or she weren’t certain about it. Before coming out of the closet, the child was most probably tormented by his or her sexual orientation for years. And no, there’s no treatment! Homosexuality isn’t a disease or mistake. In the past, various procedures were used, even as harsh and cruel as electroshocks, to ‘cure’ this condition. Today, however, we know that it’s impossible and unnecessary to treat such a person. A lot of parents are also confused about the fact that their child doesn’t look gay. Many of us have a fixed idea how homosexual men and women should behave, look like and dress. But stereotypes about homosexuals are just that – stereotypes. Another common false belief is that the child only wants to be ‘cool’. It’s, however, hardly likely for a child to go through such a trauma that his or her confession represents only to be trendy. Would you confess to being gay if in fact you aren’t? In addition, you also have to be aware that nobody corrupted, converted or recruited him or her. Almost all the children were brought up as heterosexuals, but they simply haven’t become that. It’s questionable whether a heterosexual person could be converted into a homosexual against his or her own will. Nobody can do that, not even the child’s parents. It’s therefore pointless to feel guilty that your child is gay because of something you did. At the same time, bear in mind that your child had to gather up a lot of courage to tell you and that the society is already a heavy burden to carry in life. Don’t make it even more difficult for him or her. Namely a great deal of happiness lies in the fact that he or she has your full support and affection.

Time heals all wounds

You mustn’t take it to heart too much if you can’t accept your son’s or daughter’s new identity. This is a very difficult matter that requires time. No matter how bad you feel at the beginning, things will get easier eventually. Many parents learn to accept their child’s sexual orientation and understand it as a gift of life. If you want to accept it, it helps if you overcome the assumptions and prejudices you inherited or learned, but that doesn’t happen overnight, and you therefore don’t have to feel bad if you’re unable to openly talk to your child about this topic at the beginning. You have to re-establish the relationship, which is a slow process, but sooner or later you’ll manage that. You have to be aware that the child’s confession was also a big deal for him or her and that he or she didn’t do it to make your life miserable, but because he or she needs your approval that it hasn’t changed your feelings towards him or her. Your child needs help and support from you more than from anyone else. You may also join one of the groups that provide support to families and friends of homosexuals, where the exchange of experiences and an open conversation will make it easier for you to understand and accept your child’s sexuality and gradually realise that it doesn’t change anything. The realisation that your child is gay doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the world as you know it – it can also mean a new beginning.