Did your child catch you doing it?

12.09.2012 | By: T. P.

Read what you can do and how to react in the following article.

Keep in mind that sexual intercourse is something natural. (PhotoXpress)

Join us on Facebook!

Situation

Even if you are extremely careful, there is always a chance of being caught having relations. How you react and what you do is key in how the children perceive you, your partner and their own sexuality. If you are in a steady relationship and you are caught doing it with your partner, who is also the biological parent, then the problem is usually smaller and can be solved by discussing it intensely. All other combinations cause more problems. All these things matter: whether it is a boy or a girl, the age of the child, what is the child’s psyche like, who the child walks in on (mother or father), what the position is, what the reaction is like. Because there are too many combinations to tackle each individual case, I will discuss some general theories on children’s reactions and what the best possible response is.

Boy

I apologize to all the people who dislike Freud, but we will be using his theories again. A boy at different stages of development sees the sexuality and the roles of his parents differently. A boy is always very attached to his mother and identifies with her. He also quickly starts to consider his father as a rival, as someone who takes away his mother’s attention to him and thus represents competition. This especially applies to fathers who are very authoritative. This man represents the male principle and is a big thorn in the boy’s side. The child wants his mother’s undivided attention because she is a source of food, comfort and safety. The boy is also aware of his similarity to his father and his powerlessness to compete with him. He knows and understands that the father is a threat in his mother taking care of him. He believes he will one day fill his father’s shoes, but is not capable of it right now. The child tolerates the father and carefully observes every action by his mother which confirms his jealousy. When the child is faced with the sexual act, it is hard for him to see it as anything else than violence exerted upon the mother. The heavy breathing, the moaning, it depends on the position but the man is usually dominant, the child also instinctively feels that putting anything in the body usually hurts. He is therefore frightened by the scene, but is also attracted to it on another level. He knows he will replace his father in this role because he identifies with the male approach and the cruelty of the scene is in a way attractive. At least, that is the theory. In a normal process of growing up, this opinion develops into the usual position of an adult man. Our psyche’s development is simply arranged in this way. However, with some children this scene is so traumatic that the child is stuck in this stage of development and this affects his whole future development. So, our advice is for the mother to talk to the boy first and then the father also tries to explain. You have to tell the boy the facts and the meaning of sexuality. You should not lie to him. The mother should assure him that this does not affect her relationship with him, that she loves him the same as before, that it does not cause her pain, but that she enjoys it and that this is perfectly normal and natural. The father must tell the boy that he loves his mother and that this makes him love her even more and that he is the fruit of their love. It does not hurt if he uses some more technical terms to describe mating and procreation. This has to be done eventually and this might be a good opportunity to show your child the world of sexuality.

Girl

Girls supposedly see the relationships in the family differently. Freud assumed that they feel their lack of a penis and see themselves as castrated. The consequence of this is supposedly identifying with the mother and glorifying the father. She knows she will play the role of the woman in life and she senses that only a man will be able to fulfil her. She dream about marrying her father, about taking the place of her mother and so the mother becomes a competitor for the father’s attention. Even Freud was not satisfied with this theory. It is key that children do not see relations as a violent act, but as an adult action which is a consequence of love. Girls can be pretty shocked by this sight. In the same way as boys, they view the scene as violent and incomprehensible, but on the other hand they also find it attractive due to its prohibited nature and novelty. If children equate themselves with the role of one parent, the perception of the role of any parent can become very confusing and cause this child to repress emotions. With the normal childhood development, this repression is resolved on its own when one’s own sexuality and pleasure connected to it awakens.

Observe the child and react quickly

Two things are of key importance. If the child reacts strongly, which is noticed by a radical change in behaviour, then the event was obviously shocking. Do not force explanations upon such children and do not wait for things to get better on their own. The two things might seemingly cancel each other out, if the children will not listen and you cannot force them. It is one thing to give children some time to work the scene out in their minds and make sense of it, but it is quite another thing to not pay attention to these children. Such children must make sense of the event and explain it with the parameters of their own safe world. If they cannot do this on their own, we must help them, or eventually get professional help. Freud has not been suitable for our world for a long time and the development of psychology offers many ways in dealing with such problems. But Freud was the first one to think about these things and his thoughts give us key insight into the way our psyche works. If anything, he has shown us that the human psyche is so complex and that we understand it so poorly that there is no other way to tackle its mazes except individually and even then we can get lost. So, the best advice we can give you is to lock the door and read your children some good old bedtime stories.